Forgetfulness of things past
The ongoing letters and answers between disgruntled advice columnist Etienne Shurdlow and his readers oozes out of his psyche in a blog he calls "Like I Really Care," which can be taken any way you want to say it. Dear Etienne: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and He will guide your way.” This letter has been around the world three times and has brought good luck to all who have not broken the chain. It started in the Netherlands. Make twenty copies and mail it to twenty people, putting your name on the bottom of the list and removing the first name, sending him $20. In a few weeks you will be amazed at the amount of money you receive. But do not break the chain or you shall have bad luck. This really works! Dear Chain Letter Writer: Go fuck yourself. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: I have uncontrollable fear for my child’s safety. My family lives in a good neighborhood, we have fine medical care, we earn a good living, etc. so I know it isn’t a matter of security. It’s just that every time my child leaves for school I worry that she won’t return. When I tuck her into bed at night I worry that she won’t wake up. Whenever my husband and I go out and leave her with a sitter, I call every hour. I’m not one of those helicopter parents who hovers over their child – I don’t do this when we’re together, only when I’m not. I also know that this isn’t normal. What should I do? – Hovering in Huntington Dear Hovering: Stop watching Nancy Grace. Kidnappers and perverts are not patrolling every shopping mall and supermarket aisle. Most child endangerment comes from a friend or relative, not a predatory stranger. Since your letter wasn’t postmarked Syria, you may be over-reacting to perceived local danger. Concern for your child is a good thing, but so is trusting that you and your husband have raised her well enough to know that he or she will do the right thing. Your paranoia may very easily transfer to your child. Since you have admitted that you think this has gotten out of hand, you need to seek counseling to gain perspective. Talk to your child, too, and explain that love also works from a distance. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My best friend from college got married seven years ago to a great woman. I flew to their city a few weeks ago for a visit and stayed in their guest room. At some point during the night I woke up saw my friend’s wife standing across the room staring at me. At first I thought I was dreaming, but blinked a few times and realized to my discomfort that I wasn’t. I guess she saw my eyes and she left. The next morning she acted as if nothing was wrong, but I felt creepy and violated. I listened for clues that the two of them weren’t getting along, but no. Maybe I was dreaming, but I don’t think so. How do I bring this up with my friend? -- Dreaming in Denver Dear Dreaming: Don’t. Maybe she was sleep-walking. As long as nothing happened, leave it alone. But next time stay in a motel. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My husband is the walking definition of passive-aggressive. I ignore him most of the time, but when he tells me to do something that I’m already doing, it drives me up a wall. For example, I can be clearing the dining room table and he’ll say, “Clear the dining room table.” I can be folding laundry and he’ll say, “Be sure to fold the laundry.” At first I thought it was a joke and I laughed, but now it’s no laughing matter. How can I get him to stop? – Irritated in Iowa Dear Irritated: Have you tried saying, “Honey, please don’t tell me to do something that you can see I’m already doing”? If that’s too confrontational for you, try the sarcastic approach: “I’m sorry, honey, I couldn’t hear you tell me to clear the table because I was busy clearing the table.” It’s hard to see passive-aggressiveness as a form of spousal abuse, but if it bothers you this much, it probably is. Start by having a nice, pleasant sit-down with him to express how you feel. He may not even know he’s doing it, so make notes (mental or otherwise) of specific recent examples. If they can all be summed up by saying, “Honey, please don’t tell me to do something that I’m already doing,” then you may be dealing with a control freak in whom this behavior is so ingrained that it will take effort for him to stop doing it. Can you manage to discuss it with him in a non-threatening manner? Would it help if you turned the tables and told him to do things that he’s already doing? He may become irritated or he may realize what he’s been doing and stop. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: I own a condo as well as a house. I rent out the condo. To make a long story short, my current tenant has destroyed the place. She has pets, she doesn’t clean up after them, and I instituted eviction proceedings against her. That was a year ago and our lawyers are still wrangling. Even if I withhold her security deposit when she eventually moves out, there isno way I can ever recover all the repair costs, not to mention the lawyer and court fees associated with getting rid of this terrible tenant. I’m not asking you for legal advice, but what can I do? – Condoed in Columbia Dear Condoed: It’s a good thing I’m not a lawyer because my advice is to send guys over. In a situation like this where you are clearly in the right, nothing works like physical intimidation. Sure, a city health inspector can stop by – they always tip off the tenant first, don’t they? – but nothing says “move out now” like two guys with astonishingly unsympathetic personalities. My lawyer tells me that I have to make it clear that this sort of thing is illegal. There. Now I have. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My husband never picks up after himself around the house. When he makes his own coffee, he leaves the pot dirty. After he finishes the cup, he leaves it empty on the table, which is only six feet away from the sink. Rather than take out the filled garbage bag, he balances his empty soda can on the pile. He leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor and every morning I have to shave the sink to clean up get his beard cuttings. We have different work hours, and many’s the time I’ve come home exhausted from my job after he’s left for his and find I have to clean the entire apartment. I tried letting it all pile up so he’d see the point, but he’s content to let the filth fester. I truly love him in every other way and we’ve spoken about it time and again, and he insists that it’s my problem because I’m the one who’s bothered by it. What should I do? – Nursemaid in Nevada Dear Nursemaid: As in The Odd Couple, it’s hard for a tidy person to accept that a sloppy person can live that way, and if a sloppy person ever thinks about it, he probably wonders why a super-neat person is knocking himself out over nothing. In school I shared a place with two roommates. One of them was sloppy and nothing the other roommate and I said or did made any difference. We even tried to ignore him and let him live in his own filth, and he seemed to love it. We finally got him to toe the line was by pointing out that his habits were attracting cockroaches. He freaked. It was blatta orientalis that did the job, not us. People like this do not change. In fact, they take pride in not caring about minor matters such as orderliness. They may even be artists or rebels who feel that they are striking a blow for independence by flouting cleanliness and ignoring the mental toll it takes on you. Bottom line: either get used to cleaning up after him or think about what you are otherwise getting out of the relationship, and see which one outweighs the other. If you then decide to leave him, do it with style: let the shit pile up for a week or ten days (preferably in an August heat wave), nail the windows shut, leave an open can of tuna fish for the cat, and bolt. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: I have a friend whom I’ve known all my life. Well, not really a friend-friend, just a close acquaintance. The sort of friend I never think to call, but she always calls me. I don’t mind speaking with her for a little while, but then I get bored. She seems to feel very close to me but I really don’t care that much about her. I’d tell her the way I feel but I know it would needlessly hurt her feelings, yet I get neither comfort nor joy from the relationship. It’s like wax beans. They’re okay, but my life wouldn’t be over if I never had them again. Is this cruel? -- So-So in Sandusky. Dear So-So: If this person doesn’t matter to you and doesn’t take a hint, the next time she phones, tell her you’ll get back to her later, and don’t. When she calls to say you never got back to her, tell her you’ll have to get back to her later, and don’t. Repeat if necessary. If nothing else, you’ll have fun at her expense (since you don’t care about her anyway). Like love, friendship is sometimes lop-sided. Is this someone you’d have to invite to a wedding? Is she a menace or just a time vampire? I recall a story about Irving “Swifty” Lazar, the Hollywood super-agent, who was talking with a friend and asked, “What are you doing for dinner?” The friend named the person he was having dinner with and Lazar, ever mindful of show business ranking, said, “He’s not a dinner, he’s a lunch!” ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: When I have dinner parties I never put salt, pepper, or ketchup on the table because I am a good cook and I season the meal properly before serving it. Occasionally someone will ask for salt or pepper and I cringe, and if anyone asks for ketchup I never invite them back. Am I being arrogant or overly sensitive? -- Seasonable in Seattle. Dear Seasonable: You’re not being arrogant. Most people add salt or pepper to their food out of habit, but if they add it to food they haven’t tasted yet, it’s insulting. It shows a closed mind and a disrespect for your craft of cooking Admittedly, some people’s tongues are less sensitive to sodium. Older diners may have had their taste buds atrophy. Do as you have been doing – cook the food right, and if someone wants to screw it up, let them do so. The point of food at a dinner party is to encourage conversation, not stifle it. Incidentally, many companies, after an executive job interview, will take the candidate out to lunch. This is not a courtesy, it is an audition. Do they have table manners? Do they know how to order? Can they hold up their end of the conversation? One of the things they look for is whether the person adds salt and pepper before tasting the food. Doing so may indicate someone who is not open to new ideas or, at the very least, asserts himself before assessing the situation. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My family never sends thank-you notes. I do. This irritates me no end. No matter what I give my nieces, nephews, or cousins for birthdays they never send a note. Maybe I’ll get a call or an e-mail, but not always; in fact, I have never seen a sample of their handwriting. This lack of simple courtesy may hurt them in later life. What should I do? – Thankless in Tonawanda Dear Relieved: More importantly, here is what you should not do: don’t send them any more gifts. Just because they are members of the post-literate social media generation, it does not excuse them from being in the human race. The most direct solution would be to tell them that you expect a handwritten thank-you note when you give them a present. If you want to be defensive about it, say that it may make you sound old-fashioned, but when you remember their birthday and take the time to shop for a gift to give them, the least they can do is thank you for it properly. Here’s another suggestion: I had that problem with a young cousin, and when it came time for his bar mitzvah, I sent a donation in his name to a charity and they sent him an acknowledgement. I didn’t give him a thing. He got the hint—I got a thank-you note—although relations chilled between us, even though I know I did the right thing. Come to think of it, I haven’t been invited to any more family functions, but on the other hand I haven’t had to buy any more gifts. I have no regrets, and you shouldn’t, either. Your ungrateful family should. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My fourteen year old son has finally shown an interest in doing his own laundry. Every couple of days he changes his sheets, runs them through the washer and dryer, and makes his bed. One morning I even offered to do his linens for him and he wouldn’t hear of it; in fact, he practically grabbed them out of my hands. To what can I attribute this amazing change? – Impressed in Indianapolis Dear Impressed: Puberty. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My pet peeve is people who use the expression “pet peeve.” A pet is something you love and take care of. A peeve is an annoyance. Yet a “pet peeve” is defined as a minor annoyance. If that’s the case, my pet peeve is people who use the term “pet peeve” to describe something that really isn’t a pet peeve, but which just pisses them off. What’s your pet peeve? -- Peevish in Pittsburgh Dear Peevish in Pittsburgh: Pointless letters like yours. Get a life. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: What is it with children and food? One day my eight-year-old loves lasagna and my six-year-old hates it. The next time I serve it, the eight-year-old says it makes him puke but the six-year-old, whom I cooked something different for based on last time, changes his mind and wants seconds. Do kids get together somewhere to plot against their parents’ sanity? – Chef in Charlotte Dear Chef: Buddy Hackett used to say, “as a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” Children’s taste buds may be more acute, probably because they haven’t smoked enough. Some people, both children and adults, may have a genetic predisposition against the chemical make-up of certain foods like broccoli or Brussels sprouts. But most kids take their dining cues from their parents. Whatever we found on the table while we were growing up forms the baseline for what we will consider “normal” as adults. Even for those kids who later claim that their mothers could burn water, or that Pygmies came and dipped their darts into their mother’s cooking, most tastes are formed at home. That’s why junk food advertisers push kids to get their moms to buy their product, and why kid-friendly sugared cereals, drinks, and treats are placed on supermarket shelves at a child’s eye level. If you want your child to eat healthful (not “healthy”) foods, serve them properly cooked. Don’t make a big thing out of it. You’re right that tastes change over time, and the lasagna that little Jimmy rejects today may become the lasagna that he craves in six months when he sees his big brother loving it. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: At what age should parents stop buying a birthday present for the sibling who isn’t having a birthday so he or she won’t feel left out when his brother or sister gets a present? -- Birthdays in Buffalo Dear Birthdays: You should never have started, but the fact that you asked this question tells me that you’re already on the way to doing something about it. Sibling rivalry is tough enough to defeat without fueling it with gratuitous presents. If you don’t start off right from the beginning giving a present only to the birthday boy or girl, you will be stuck giving them to your other children until each of them develops a false sense of entitlement. This practice is as counterproductive to building character as giving the losing Little League team a trophy. I’m sorry, kids, you lost. Go out and learn to play better and maybe next time you’ll get the prize. This is especially true for birthdays when all you had to do was cry when the doctor slapped your ass. Note: Nothing in the above answer prevents the non-birthday sibling from trying to con the birthday boy or girl out of his or her present. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: I am an uncle who occasionally child-sits for my nine-year-old nephew. He is bright and we have a terrific relationship, but when his parents are out and I tell him to do something that he doesn’t want to do, he says, “You’re not my parents, you’re not the boss of me.” I tell him that I am their proxy – god help me, he understands what a proxy is – but we still have this impasse. Any ideas? -- Proxy in Potrzebie Dear Proxy: Most kids will back down if you tell them, “Because I said so” and even the most intransigent of them will yield when you look them in the eyes and say, through clenched teeth, “because I fucking said so.” Rather than get to this point, however, have the parents explain to the child ahead of time that you are looking after his best interests and that, in their absence, your word is law. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: I have a friend who is terminally ill and wants to commit suicide. My religion stands against this. It would hurt so many people, plus I am not sure he is in his right mind. How can I save him? – Hopeful in Hollywood Dear Hopeful: Place your friend’s wellbeing ahead of your egotistic, moralistic religious views. No amount of praying will relieve him of his pain. Suicide is a terrible choice but sometimes it is the only choice. Yes, it is selfish, hopeless, and permanent. But sometimes it is the only dignified thing to do. There was a newspaper in conservative New England that never used the word suicide when it reported a self-inflicted death. Instead, it wrote, “died following a sudden illness” because the old Yankee publisher could not conceive how a sane person could possibly take his own life. Nowadays we know better. Existentially speaking, rational suicide is the only truly free choice we have in our lives, that is, deciding to end it. Rejoice that your friend will no longer be suffering. Work to let go of your own selfishness for wanting to keep him alive and in torment just because you don’t want to let him go. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: My grandfather is the one who, at a family gathering, can always be counted on to tell the smallest child in the room, “pull my finger.” He and the chosen conspirator laugh uproariously at the result while the rest of us cringe, and worse. I say “worse” because, at first, it was just a matter of giggling at the toot and pretending to be offended. It was cute. As he’s grown older, however, he has acquired that “old people smell” which, combined with his changing diet, fills the room like a paper factory built on top of a brewery. I’ve driven past abattoirs that smell nicer. I’ve tried asking Gramps to take it outside, or at least into the powder room, but he pooh-poohs me (bad choice of words) and tells me how much I used to like pulling his finger when I was younger. Yes, and mulch used to be called fresh vegetables when it was younger, too. I’m sorry to go on like this, but you have no idea. Even Mitch, our golden retriever, leaves the room when Gramps enters, and golden retrievers aren’t exactly Glade® air freshener once they get going. He is a widower -- Gramps, that is, not Mitch -- and I’m not altogether certain that his wife (my mother-in-law) didn’t die of asphyxiation. When, on occasion, he does deign to use our bathroom, after he flushes we have to send in a canary. The kids, of course, think it’s a scream and playfully queue for the privilege of pulling his finger. They even ask if they can pull my finger when Gramps isn’t around, just for practice. I’ve got a monster on my hands. How can I put a cork in it? – Bloozers in Beverly Hills Dear Bloozers: First, chill. Second, Chill some more. Clearly he knows that he does it; saying “pull my finger” is a dead giveaway. You might give him bottle of Beano or a similar over-the-counter gas remedy, although I’ve never found any of them to work. Does he have a gastro-intestinal problem? Ask him which foods give him gas, and then avoid serving them the next time he visits. At the very least, you need to tell him to stop asking the kids to pull his finger. Now let me tell you about “Safety.” When I was a kid we had a warning system called Safety. If you farted, you said Safety to warn everybody around you that there was a big wind coming from Winnetka. If you failed to say Safety and your friends found you were the flatulizer, they had the right to hit you. This led to the reassuring phrase, “Safety first, Safety last, Safety after every blast.” Safety was especially crucial when an SBD (Silent But Deadly) was launched. And no fair trying to cover for failure to say Safety by pretending that it was someone else’s fart; the rule was, “He who smelt it must have dealt it.” Getting Gramps onto the Safety wagon may be less interactive that letting the kids pull his finger, but I promise you that it will give everybody something to laugh about. The “old people” smell, by the way, is decay. ***** ***** ***** Dear Etienne: I’m an un-tenured instructor at a Midwestern college. Among my students are several members of the school’s football squad. Last semester, I caught two players cheating on their final term papers; they both copied several paragraphs, amounting to more than two hundred words, from the team’s publicity materials and passed it off as their own work. When I informed my superiors of this and asked that the students be brought up on plagiarism charges, I was astonished when the school sided with the players and said that they “didn’t mean it,” must have “misunderstood the assignment,” and argued that “the press releases are for people to copy” anyway. I accept the fact that schools use their athletic teams to raise money from alumni and that players are usually accorded special privileges, but this team had a 0-10 season and probably couldn’t even get laid with a hooker. As a result, I am being made to look like the guilty one. I can’t hire a lawyer because our faculty contract has an arbitration clause, and the arbitrators have already sided with the cheaters. What can I do? – Baffled in Boston Dear Baffled: Welcome to the world of commercial higher education where alumni donations are more important than ethics. You could, of course, take this to the newspapers (being careful not to name the students because, guilty or not, they could sue for libel) . I presume, for the moment, that you are less interested in having these miscreants punished than you are in restoring the integrity of the school and removing the onus from yourself. Well, forget it. Everybody knows that college athletics are corrupt to some degree, whether it’s creating gut courses so the athletes can keep their GPIs up or slipping them financial incentives. Fortunately, people are waking up to the problem that colleges generally try to protect their athletes from prosecution for rape, DUI, fights, cheating, and other “boys will be boys” crimes, but ethical violations often get swept aside unless they involve point shaving, which affects the gambling industry so of course it has to be stopped. The scandals, of course, reflect poorly on those athletes who have integrity and seldom take into account the teachers, staff, and administrators who try to fulfill a college’s primary goal, which is teaching. My advice for you is to write it all down and eat lunch off the story in the years to come. ***** ***** *****
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