"Like I Really Care" continued

     It's been a while since I posted anything from Etienne Shurdlow, my alter-ego advice columnist who hates people who ask dumb questions. In light of the general stupidity swirling everywhere around us, however, I decided, what the hell, let's go back and see what's on Etienne's frustrated mind.
     As you might imagine, I tried to get this book (for it is book-length) published. I even asked a professional advice columnist to write the foreword. She politely declined, however, giving me the unexpected reason that some of my advice intended as fun was actually pretty good. Before I could ask her which was which, we changed the subject to our long friendship and who we knew and that was that.
     Therefore I need to repeat the disclaimer I put at the front of my still-unpublished book which is that thisd information is intended as humor and not to act upon it or take it seriously. I need to add, however, that I don't know what that now applies to, so you're on your own.
   
Dear Etienne: My wife is a clean freak. I’m not talking about mopping the floors, scrubbing the carpets, washing the windows, and other household chores (yes, I help when I can, but reasonably, not twice a day). I mean that she clears the table not when everybody is done eating but every time even one person finishes a plate. She is not OCD about anything else -- no repeated washing of her hands, no rituals before she leaves the house, and so forth – she just likes to clean. But I mean really likes to clean. She is up and down twenty times during a meal, depending on how many courses. If we had only one set of plates to go around I might understand, but not this. She even insists on washing the pots and pans before sitting down to eat with the rest of us. “They’re easier to clean while they’re still warm,” she says. “We have a dish washer,” is what I say. “Yes, but I can’t trust it to get everything off,” she says, and it goes on from there. Just once I would like to have all of us stay at the table for the whole meal, soup to nuts, and not have the nut be my wife. – Polished in Peewee Valley
 
Dear Polished: Have you tried paper plates? If it helps, tell Mrs. Clean that etiquette requires all plates to stay on the table until the last person has finished eating. (I wish restaurants observed this.) You need to discuss this with your wife. If she admits that she has a problem and wants to address it, you both should visit a psychologist with experience in compulsive behavior. It may not be OCD, but it could become it. If she cannot comprehend that it’s a problem, ask yourself if it’s something you can live with -- because obviously she can. One story may shed light: when I was a kid we used to have Thanksgiving at our house. While the guests were settling in to watch the bowl games, my mother would close herself off in the kitchen to do the dishes. We didn’t have a dishwasher, and no matter how helpful anybody tried to be, she would politely refuse them. One day years later I finally asked her why she did it. She told me, “After all that work putting food on the table, the last thing I wanted to do was hang around watching football or talking small-talk with the family. Doing the dishes alone was the only way I got to relax.” I’m just saying.
 
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Dear Etienne: My dentist wants me to come in every three months for a cleaning and scaling even though he says my teeth are in good shape. I am 45, have had an average number of cavities, and take care of my teeth and gums. Until six months ago, I would come in every six months. Now he wants to make it three. Does this sound weird to you too – Toothy in Tarzana
 
Dear Toothy: it is very weird. Either your oral hygiene has suddenly gotten worse or your dentist needs money. Check and see if he is going through a divorce, has a kid newly in college, has been wiped out in the stock market, is working your insurance company, or has a drug problem. If it isn’t your mouth, it has to be his wallet.
 
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Dear Etienne: My friend Dave and I are known for our humor. We’re not professional comedians but we find the same things funny and can express this well enough that our friends are amused, especially at gatherings. A few months ago we were at a party and were throwing wisecracks back and forth when we both stopped at the same time. The music had stopped and everybody was staring at us in expectation of something and that’s when it struck us that we were the entertainment. The next day we compared our appointment books and discovered that we had attended the same parties for the last year. At first we thought it was just coincidence, but the more we went over it together, the more strongly we felt exploited. Should we get an agent? – Funny in Philly
 
Dear Funny: There’s a huge difference between being funny in front of a group of friends and laying strangers in the aisle at a comedy club (although the alcohol level may be the same). Before you go thinking that you’re Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks 2.0, try working up an act and then attending an open mike night at your nearest Chuckles, or whatever your local comedy club is called. You will find within thirty seconds that the hard part of doing comedy is making it look easy; you will gain respect for even the worst stand-up comic you have ever seen; and you will enshrine the best of them. More to your quandary, the next time you and Dave are invited to a party, try sitting it out and see what happens. My guess is that you like the attention and just wrote this letter to get more of it because your letter is signed “Funny in Philly” but your postmark says Gettysburg. Philly isn’t as funny as Pittsburgh but it’s way ahead of Allentown.
 
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Dear Etienne: Do I drink too much? I enjoy one or two beers, glasses of wine, or cocktails at the end of a long day and to get me through dinner. On weekends I have a couple of drinks to relax so I can take my mind off work. I am careful not to drink outside of the home, so driving under the influence is not in my cards. I haven’t lost a job, friendships, or family relationships; I don’t black out; and my health is good (I am 45). In other words, I don’t fit the pattern of an alcoholic, yet I still worry about my liquor consumption. What should I do? – Worried in Wahoo
 
Dear Worried: You want the truth? If you think you’re drinking too much, you’re drinking too much. Even if you don’t fit the Mayo Clinic’s definition of alcoholism --
A pattern of alcohol use that involves problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol, continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems, having to drink more to get the same effect, or having withdrawal.
-- if your drinking bothers you, you need to address it. If you are indeed an alcoholic, you have the gift of thinking that you are; you won’t have to go through a life-crash or intervention to bring it home. Try attending an AA meeting where you’ll meet others in the program who may share your feelings. At AA you won’t be under pressure to speak unless and until you are ready. By then you may gain some perspective. Take it one day at a time.
 
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Dear Etienne: My husband has a divorced friend who visits us with his two sons, ages ten and twelve. They enjoy being with our three sons, the same ages. However, I can’t stand them. Our boys have been raised to say please and thank you when they visit their friends’ homes, not to go into rooms where they haven’t been given permission, and if they want even so much as a glass of water, they are taught to ask politely for it. My husband’s friends boys act like they were raised by wolves. They leave the screen door open (flies), they prowl through our refrigerator without permission and take what they please (including what I’d planned to serve my family for dinner), and they use our toilet for target practice. I have told all of this to my husband who insists that they miss their mother and will grow up to be normal once they get this rambunctiousness out of their system. I would rather that they do it somewhere else and have told my husband that I do not consider them welcome in our home. He ignores my concerns. What should I do? – Annoyed in Altoona
 
Dear Annoyed: A traditional advice columnist would suggest that you leave the house to go see a movie the next time these whirling dervishes visit, letting your husband deal with them. Because the father is your husband’s friend, protocol calls for your husband to intervene. But don’t hold your breath; your husband obviously sees you as the clean-up brigade. Personally, I would spike a pitcher of lemonade with a lemon-lime flavored medication called oil of ipecac, leave it in your fridge, and caution your own boys not to touch it. If the feral ten and twelve year olds do as you describe, their lives will be made interesting within ten minutes of drinking the lemonade that was never theirs to begin with.
         
 
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Dear Etienne : My wife needs a few glasses of wine before she will have sex with me. I don’t feel comfortable with this situation because not only does it make me feel as though I am only attractive to her when she’s buzzed, I don’t think it’s healthy. I’ve tried discussing it with her and she says alcohol helps her relax. I tell her it makes me feel like a date rapist. What to do? – Wanton in Wyoming
 
Dear Wanton: See next letter.
 
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Dear Etienne: My husband insists that I drink a few glasses of wine before we have sex together. He says it turns him on and makes him feel like he’s back in college at a fraternity mixer. I go along with it because I love him, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s wrong. Is it? – Weirded
 
Dear Weirded and Wanton:  What a coincidence that two people would write me at the same time about the same thing on the same stationery with the same postmark. Perhaps you two should have that wine in the living room and discuss this matter there before going into the bedroom.
 
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Dear Etienne: Every time my ten-year-old son comes back from a visit to my sister, who calls herself “Auntie Mame,” he has a new vocabulary and some ideas that aren’t to my liking. My sister, who is a widow in her 40s, likes to think of herself as a swinger, but she really isn’t, she just wants to be. I worry that she is using my son to achieve a second childhood while depriving him of his first one. I don’t suspect anything untoward, just, well, I don’t know what. – Staid in Secaucus
 
Dear Staid: You have known your sister how long and only now her lifestyle bothers you? I find that hard to believe. She must have stressed you out earlier than this. Look, Staid, as long as your sister isn’t breaking the law, what real harm is there? Precocity is the first step to knowledge, but you need to have a discussion with her to set limits --  for example, no visits to strip clubs – but it sounds like your son is having his eyes opened by a knowledgeable teacher. Any kid would be lucky to have an Auntie Mame in his life (I did), although you might want to note that Patrick Dennis (who wrote the 1955 book Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade that was turned into plays, movies, and musicals) admitted that he made it all up. Maybe your son will be able to write a book that he doesn’t have to make up.
 
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Dear Etienne: Why do men blast their car stereo so loud that it shakes the windows of parked cars? Why do guys on motorcycles like to make noise? Why do dudes soup up their cars so they make hot-rod noises all night long on my street?  -- Deafened in Doradoville
 
Dear Deafened: In a little-known study, scientists at Duke University determined in the late 1990s that the louder the noise is that a man makes with his machines, the smaller his penis is. There is a direct relationship, researchers found, between a guy’s tool and the noise made by Harley-Davidsons, leaf blowers, cars with blown mufflers, automobile music systems with the bass blasting. The relationship was first discovered in the 1970s when young men would carry around suitcase-sized boom boxes as a means of marking their territory and drawing attention to themselves. Obnoxious and disturbing, they would whine, “But I got to have my music” when anybody complained. When the Sony Walkman® was invented, boom boxes went away and these same people played their music so loud with earbuds that many are now going deaf. The invention of the iPod sealed the next generation’s fate in a similar way. As for why people – mostly males, but the occasional female – needs to make noise, both with their music or with their mufflers, horns, or whatever – it has to do with insecurity and the need to assert oneself. The vibrations from a loud bass line or throbbing car or motorcycle engine can also be sexually arousing. So the next time you hear some guy blasting his car radio or making a 50-decibel razzberry on his Hog, you’ll know what he’s compensating for. Who do you think answers all those penis enlargement ads on the Internet?
 
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Dear Etienne: My six-year-old niece is a minx. Every time she and her family visit my family, she makes a play for our sons, who are around her age.  Okay, she’s cute, but where did she learn to sidle up against them when they’re playing computer games, or stand in front of them while they’re trying to walk. The boys are always saying how much they hate her, which is normal for kids that age, but I paid attention the last time my sister and her family came over and, jeez, this little girl was acting like a slut. Naturally I brought the subject up to my sister and all she can say is, “kids will be kids.” All this little creature needs is lipstick, make-up, and a push-up bra to look like a Las Vegas showgirl. Am I really such a – Prude in Pomona
 
Dear Prude: You’re not a prude. If you want to see a child who was tarted up by her parents, check out poor Jon-Benet Ramsey. Little girls normally develop flirty behavior in complete innocence and at that age they both irritate and scare the hell out of little boys. Some girls, like some boys, have the look or physiognomy that makes them appear more mature than they really are and this can confuse adults into thinking that they are not just precocious but grown up. Should one of those adults be predatory, problems arise. But the “look” also sells products, primarily clothing, which is why there exist child protective groups who monitor improperly sexy commercials for blue jeans, accessories, and catalogue ads. I don’t get the idea, from your letter, that this little girl is doing the dance of the seven veils to entice and seduce your computer game-playing sons. But she has clearly learned it from somewhere. Bring this to your sister’s attention again, this time with your husband at your side, and tell that, even if she thinks kids will be kids, six-year-olds should not be harlots.
 
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Dear Etienne: While browsing in the greeting card aisle of my five and dime I noticed eight or nine varieties of party invitations but only one pack of thank you cards. This made me think how rare it is for me to get a thank you card for gifts I give to people. Everyone says thanks when  you hand them a present, and most will call after the party to say thanks, but that isn’t the same as even a short note of appreciation. I don’t consider an e-mail to be proper thanks for a major expenditure, and god knows you’ll never get a brad-and-butter note after a dinner. I once even got an e-mail thanks for a wedding gift. What has happened to common courtesy in this age of social media? – Thankless in Thalia
 
Dear Thankless: You already said it: social media. The next stage will be expecting telepathic thanks. Yours is not the first letter I’ve received about this, but it’s one that allows me to spout off about non-family members where the dynamic is different. The lack of a simple thank you is probably the most common etiquette breach today. Here’s how I handle it: if I mail a gift and don’t get a thank you within a week, I call the person to ask if they got the gift. If they have, I say, “I wondered; I didn’t hear from you.” If they still don’t catch on ad I never receive anything, I never send them another gift. I also do this with the parents of children under 13: “Did Hazel like the gift I gave her?” “Oh she loved it.” “When will she be telling me that in a thank you note?”
          Sure, it’s more blessed to give than it is to receive. But that doesn’t mean that the recipient doesn’t have certain obligations. I’ll tell you why I’m such a stickler. It’s because I don’t need to waste time or money on people who blow me off. I’m sure that there are social situations where you are forced to give a gift and you can’t grouse if the recipient is too selfish or thoughtless or both to acknowledge it. That’s why the passive-aggressive, “Did you like it?” usually works. And keep asking it. “Really? I hoped you would. Let me know the first time you use it/wear it.”
 
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Dear Etienne: This is a common problem but it’s the first time I’m having to solve it. My best friend is getting married to a man I can’t stand. When they first started going together, naturally she took her around to show him off to all her friends. We immediately collided. Not only are his politics and social outlook radically different from mine, they are radically different from hers. I can’t imagine what she sees in him and why she has changed her world view to mesh with his. Yes, I am keeping my mouth shut, and of course I shall attend their wedding even though it makes me wonder whether I am being a hypocrite or a friend. – Cynical in Cincinnati
 
Dear Cynical: Love is blind and frequently stupid. Look at it positively: maybe she will change his mind. They say that opposites attract, but if other of her friends share your opinion, then the happy are going to have to make a whole new circle of friends. But you’re right; the odds are against it. And speaking of odds, I once attended the wedding of a friend who had similar dissimilar views from his fiancé. A group of us sat together who knew them both and none of us could figure out why they were together, and we started making bets as they were walking down the aisle as to how long it would last. I gave it six months. I’m ashamed to say I won.  
 
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Dear Etienne: I am wonderfully close to my in-laws. We spend weekends together, we go out to brunch, we send holiday greetings, and this summer we are planning on a trip.  The problem is that I am divorced from their daughter. I guess, technically, this makes them my ex-in-laws. They have never forgiven their daughter for leaving me after six years of a marriage that none of us knew was on the rocks until she served me with papers while I was at her parents’ house for Thanksgiving. There are times when I feel guilty that my presence has enabled them to write off their own daughter, but I’m not the one who ruptured the family, she is. Does this make sense to you? – Ex in Exeter
 
Dear Ex: If it doesn’t bother them, don’t let it bother you. It was their daughter who untied the knot, not you. People need to take responsibility for their own actions. Meanwhile, it would be best if you avoided trashing her in front of her parents just in case one day she picks up the phone to seek rapprochement.
 
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Dear Etienne: There’s an executive secretary in our office who creates problems just so she can solve them. You know the type. She wants to get attention from her boss for her ability to run things smoothly, but the truth is that things already run smoothly, or they would if she didn’t ball them up. She does things like leave people off the CC list of a meeting memo (then summon them at the last minute), forgets to invite someone to an office party (but donates in their name and advises them after the fact), or doesn’t leave a visitor’s pass at security (then makes a big stink when the guard calls up for it). Naturally, her boss thinks she’s the bee’s knees because all she ever tells him about is how she saved his butt, but everybody in the office knows that she’s the cause of it. What can we do to get rid of her (short of smearing the stairwell with Crisco)? – Bound in Baltimore
 
Dear Bound: Fight back with a paper trail. The next time it happens, send an e-mail to her and CC your boss expressing surprise that you were not informed of the meeting in a timely manner, or suggesting that, the next time she is overwhelmed with X task, you might help her. (It would do no good to CC her boss as that would be a breach of protocol on your part.)  If simply telling the truth in a passive-aggressive manner doesn’t work, start making stuff up. Send her an e-mail asking why she hasn’t sent you the report that you asked her for the other day over coffee, or say that you know she is overworked but you are still waiting to hear back about the some matter. It’s difficult at best to dislodge an executive assistant who has her (and often his) claws into the boss, and sometimes it takes teamwork. Worst case scenario: slip an emetic into her coffee. Office politics have more to do with bringing down a business than bad corporate decisions. They should not be tolerated.
 
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TO BE CONTINUED...BUT WHEN?